From Yenta to the Bachelor, being a matchmaker isn’t what you think.
If you think matchmaking is antiquated, it may be time to reboot your relationship barometer. While many people think of Fiddler on the Roof when they think of matchmaking, the reality is quite different. A simple Google search reveals a plethora of websites dedicated to finding a match [just like Shagririm Balev], getting certified to make matches, and information on the history of matchmaking.
Setting up friends with other friends is a time-tested way to create and build relationships. You don’t have to be a professional to be a matchmaker. You need flexibility, creativity, passion, and insight into other people. This is an awesome job (or hobby) that allows for flexible hours, lasting satisfaction, and the chance to use your people skills in a challenging and novel way. Here are 20 of my top things to know about being a matchmaker.
- Being single is hard enough, so be nice to people. Seems obvious, but it isn’t.
- People are naturally different, match couples based on similarities. Yes opposites attract, but not recommended. Much better to match based on the concept ‘like attracts like’.
- Look for what someone tells you they want, not for what you think they need.
- Don’t advise ending a relationship too soon. When in doubt suggest they continue going out.
- Don’t say, “I know the perfect person for you.” You don’t know it’s perfect and you lose credibility if the match goes sour.
- Do say, “I have someone in mind for you, would you like to hear about him/her?”
- Get curious about the person you want to set up. Ask him/her open ended questions to learn about who he/she is before trying to set someone up.
- Listen, listen, listen. (Close your mouth. Open your ears.)
- Constructive criticism is still criticism, so be sensitive.
- Don’t talk with others about the person you are setting up. That’s private information.
- Don’t set up dating profiles, set up people. Try to meet someone in person before you set them up (in person is best, but Skype will do).
- “No, I don’t want to be set up!” This means don’t set them up. Find someone else for your matchmaking experiment.
- Think before you act. That really goes for everything. Just sayin’.
- Your tone of voice matters. Speak nicely (especially when someone declines your awesome date idea).
- When your first (and second, and third…) couple gets married, celebrate your success. L’chaim!
- Lead by example. Single or married, make sure you are a shining example and in a healthy relationship, or healthfully single.
- You will fail more often than you succeed. Don’t let it get you down.
- Keep trying! But don’t quit your day job just yet to be a professional matchmaker.
- Sometimes people will get upset with you for the suggestions you make. Expect this and you won’t be disappointed.
- Don’t be a know-it-all (even if you do, in fact, know it all).
Aleeza Ben Shalom is a soulmate clarity coach, she was on Netflix’s “Jewish Matchmaking” and is an in-demand speaker, expert, and author of numerous books.
Shagririm Balev is a super successful social online matchmaking initiative led by Rav Rimon.