Beyond Captivity: Healing from the Echoes of Abuse
BY RABBI SHAANAN GELMAN
After 470 days of captivity, three of our hostages – Emily Damari, Romi Gonen, and Doron Steinbrecher – were released into the loving arms of their families and returned to their nation. As they were being transferred by the Red Cross representative, the Hamas captors elected to play one final sadistic and cynical game, handing the women a “gift bag” containing mementos from their time in Gaza and a certificate of release.
To the casual observer, the notion that anyone leaving behind the merciless barbarians of Gaza would be interested in a “goody bag” is absurd and deeply offensive. At the same time, it does not strike us as a foreign concept altogether.
As we were leaving Mitzrayim, G-d made sure to lead us out via a circuitous route – derech eretz Plishtim, through the land of the Philistines (Shemot 13:17). The Torah explains the reason for this curiosity – lest the nation witness open war and choose to revert back to Mitzrayim. But why would we wish to return to the hands of our former captors? For centuries they subjugated us, tortured us, murdered our babies, dehumanized us – why revert to an abusive relationship?
The Torah teaches that, as ludicrous as it may seem, Bnei Yisrael held onto the sweet memories of their time in Egypt: “We remember the fish that we used to eat free in Egypt, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic” (Bamidbar 11:5). It is difficult to understand how fish, cucumbers, watermelons, and onions would be more important to them than freedom itself, compelling them to consider going back to Egypt! How do we make sense of their self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior?
Believe it or not, such outwardly irrational behavior patterns have a psychological explanation. Developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, Attachment Theory suggests that we are each born with a fundamental need to form an emotional bond with a parent or primary caretaker. Those bonds are forged almost immediately upon entering the world. If the attachment created is a healthy one, or in Bowlby’s words, secure, we have a greater chance of developing healthier relationships later in life. If, however, the initial attachment was insecure – for instance, if we felt unloved, abandoned, or G-d forbid, threatened – then we form anxious or avoidant strategies.
With this in mind, we can better appreciate the counterintuitive reaction the Jews had to leaving Egypt. How did we receive emotional support in our nascency? In the form of onions, watermelons, garlic, and cucumbers. That was how we defined love and support. Hence, the moment we experienced the slightest degree of discomfort and instability, such as war or hunger, a switch went off in our minds calling us back to that unmet attachment of our youth. This is why we desperately clamored to revisit Egypt, for it was the only source of love and acceptance we knew.
For this reason, G-d warned us to take the long-short way out of Egypt: “Lest the nation regret having left Egypt the moment they see war.” If we stayed close enough to Egypt, we would seek to fulfill that unrequited need to be loved and nurtured by the Egyptians.
How do we break the corrosive neediness to return to the same types of relationships? The answer is to deconstruct those attachments and form new healthy ones – to become a new nation. To recognize that G-d didn’t just pull us out, but He desired to create a new parent-child connection. When we allow ourselves to be guided by Hashem, and we accept a new set of rules and ethics, we break the cycle of abuse. When we have our own system, we don’t need our former slave owners to validate us and provide us with support.
One of the most heart-warming aspects from the post-October 7th era is simultaneously one of the most heart-wrenching ones. Those who were quick to lend verbal support for us after the attacks were often (though not always) the quickest to turn on us as our victimhood went out of style. How we craved their love, their sympathy, and adulation! We sought what everyone seeks – acceptance by others, to be viewed as human. But we did not find love in the arms of our abusers, though we hoped for it; instead, we found it in a renewed connection to our people, our Land, and our tradition.
As the world offers us a compensatory token for our release from captivity, we ought to be circumspect. Do not be tempted to peer inside the “goody bag”. Let go of the fantasy that the Jew will one day become a beloved creature. That will only happen when we return to Hashem and our Jewish identity with self-confidence and komemiyut.
Rabbi Shaanan Gelman is the Senior Rabbi of Kehilat Chovevei Tzion in Skokie, Illinois.