Jews with Views – Tisha B’Av & Tu B’Av 5786
We asked five leading figures: What is your top piece of dating advice?
BY RABBI YOSEF ZVI RIMON
First, believe in yourself. You are a good person, and with Hashem’s help, there is a life partner waiting for you.
Second, invest effort. Do everything you can in this area – including seeking guidance from a professional. Even people who succeed in many areas of life often benefit from an outside perspective.
Patience matters more than people realize. A survey of thousands of happily married couples found that 46% believed, up until the fifth date, that the person they were dating was not right for them. Even when the chances seem small, keep going. Great things develop over time.
Ask yourself: what am I truly looking for? Write down everything you want in a spouse, then whittle the list down to ten items, then seven, then three or four. Those are the things that genuinely matter. This isn’t about compromising – it’s about becoming more precise. When you know what truly matters, you can more accurately recognize the right person when they appear.
One final point: in an age of abundance, people often have much in common with someone they’re dating, yet don’t continue – because they wonder if someone better is out there. Instead of asking “Is there someone better waiting for me?” ask: “Can I build a good home with this person? Can this person be a good parent to my children?” That is the right question.
With Hashem’s help, may you merit finding a worthy match, someone of good character and reverence for G-d, very soon.
Rabbi Yosef Zvi Rimon is the Nasi of World Mizrachi. He is the Founder and Chairman of Sulamot and La’Ofek, and serves as the Chief Rabbi of Gush Etzion, and Rosh Yeshivah of the Jerusalem College of Technology.
BY ALEEZA BEN SHALOM
People often think the most important thing in dating is chemistry. Or timing. Or finding “the one.” But after years of matchmaking and coaching singles, I believe the most important thing is learning to ask the right questions – because the questions you ask shape the way you date, the way you think, and the way you connect.
I hear singles ask, “Does my soulmate even exist?” I understand the fear behind that question, but there’s a more useful one: “Where might I find them?” Your soulmate exists. The goal isn’t to prove it – it’s to put yourself in places where connection can happen.
After a first date, people often ask me, “Is this person my soulmate?” That’s too much pressure for one coffee. Ask yourself instead: “Am I curious to learn more?” If the answer is yes, that’s reason enough for a second date.
Even small shifts in the questions you ask on a date can change everything. Instead of “What do you do?” try “What do you love about your work?” One gives you information. The other gives you a window into someone’s heart.
Dating isn’t about finding perfect answers. It’s about learning to ask better questions – and better questions lead to clarity, and to finding the one.
Aleeza Ben Shalom is a soulmate clarity coach. She was on Netflix’s “Jewish Matchmaking” and is an in-demand speaker, expert, and author of numerous books. She leads the Jewish Matchmaking Movement, in partnership with World Mizrachi.
BY JAMIE GELLER
Dating can make you a little crazy. So pick one sane person to keep you grounded.
Not a committee. One. A paid professional or a trusted volunteer like your mom. The one human you can be totally honest and completely vulnerable with, the one you call at 2am to replay the whole date, down to what he ordered and what it meant. Just like we don’t have a different rabbi for every question, but one trusted rabbi who walks us through life, you need one trusted voice here too. Because who you marry is the biggest decision you will ever make, and if you put it to a vote you will drown in everyone’s opinion but your own, unable to tell a red flag from a green flag from the flag you sewed yourself out of pure panic.
Mine was my Rebbetzin Judy Young a”h. I did not just tell her about the man I was dating. I brought him to meet her. By the end of the night, we were engaged.
She cut through my noise with crystal clarity. She helped me breathe again. And when I walked to my chuppah it was with absolute menuchat hanefesh, the biggest smile and the bounciest step of any kallah you ever saw.
Everyone needs a Judy. Go find yours.
Jamie Geller serves as the Chief Communications Officer and Global Spokesperson for Aish, leading the organization’s media strategy and public relations. Widely known as a best-selling author and media entrepreneur, she leverages her communication expertise to expand Aish’s global impact and digital reach.
BY AYELET GLATT
Being part of a community of more than 5,500 people actively trying to set up their friends exposes me to remarkable dating advice – from sharing the real reason behind a rejection with the people setting you up, to trying a fourth date in an escape room, to building a full and meaningful life while you’re still single.
But when I thought about the best dating tip I could share, I realized it wasn’t any of those.
What inspires me most is seeing thousands of singles who, despite wanting to build their own homes, spend time and energy helping others build theirs. They search profiles, make suggestions, and genuinely cheer on friends they want to see succeed.
We have a beautiful concept in Judaism: “Kol hamitpalel al chaveiro na’aneh techilah” – one who prays for another is answered first. It’s not a guarantee; it’s a mindset. When you’re longing for something in your own life, you can turn that longing outward and use it to help someone walking the same path.
Whether you’re single or married, ask yourself: who did I help this week? Is there someone I can introduce, encourage, or reach out to? Shidduchim were never meant to be a solo journey. They’re a community effort, and every one of us has a role to play.
Ayelet Glatt is the international coordinator for Shagririm Balev. She holds a degree in Tanach and Special Education from Herzog College, and served as a World Bnei Akiva shlicha in Cape Town, South Africa.
BY LORI PALATNIK
Do. Your. Homework: Know not just what you want, but what you need.
A lot of people “fall in love,” but what they are really falling in is infatuation, which is counterfeit love. It looks like love, feels like love, but it’s fake. And in the world of dating, it could be fatal.
Do some work before you go on the first date.
What are your meaningful life goals and values? The person you marry should share those. If you don’t know them, don’t date. You risk either morphing into theirs, which could lead to a relationship crash down the road (“Who am I?”) or dating endlessly with no clarity. Until you know who you are and where you are going, you don’t know who to go with.
Yes, you will share similar meaningful life goals and values, but some things will be complementary. Personality opposites tend to attract – because you are half a soul yearning for completion. If you are in touch with your challenging qualities of sometimes being impulsive or anxious, the last thing you need is someone like that. You need someone steady and easy-going. Get it?
Take a breath. Think. Do your homework. Then date.
Lori Palatnik is the founding director of Momentum, international speaker, and the author of several books including, “Turn Your Husband Into Your Soul Mate”.