Rosh Hashanah – Understanding the Key to Relationships
BY RABBI ALON FRIEDMAN
It is customary on Rosh Hashanah to extend greetings to one another. In addition to the traditional blessing of “Ktivah v’chatimah tovah, May you be written and inscribed for a good year” – I believe it is also appropriate to wish each other a hearty mazel tov. The reason is that on the very first Rosh Hashanah, a great wedding took place. Adam was introduced by G-d to Chavah, and they immediately married. If not for that union, none of us would exist. In a sense, we are all part of that joyous event.
Let me introduce you to this young couple. Adam, the chatan, was the most handsome man who ever lived. The Talmudic sage Rav Avahu describes Adam’s beauty as mei’ein – somewhat similar – to that of our patriarch Ya’akov, whose beauty was in turn somewhat like Adam’s (Bava Metzia 84a).
The Gemara teaches that Sarah, our matriarch, was among the four most beautiful women in the world (Megillah 15a). Yet Chazal also teach that compared to Chavah, Sarah was like a monkey compared to a human (Bava Batra 58a). Chavah, then, was the most beautiful woman of all time.
Their wedding was magnificent. The one who adorned Chavah as a kallah and led her to her chatan was none other than G-d Himself (Bereishit Rabbah 18:1). Afterward, the couple settled in the most exclusive residence imaginable: the Garden of Eden. With the entire world at their disposal, they were the wealthiest couple who ever lived.
Chavah now faced her first challenge – preparing food for her husband without guidance from a mother or teacher. While gathering food, she encountered “Mr. Serpent.” He persuaded her to prepare a meal from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. She tasted it first, found it delicious, and then gave it to Adam.
Suddenly, they heard the voice of G-d. Adam realized he had sinned. At first, he tried to blame his wife, but to no avail. G-d held him responsible and expelled the couple from Eden. Humanity has borne the consequences ever since.
In today’s world, what might have happened after such a beginning? With divorce rates so high, many couples would likely have separated immediately. After all, if a wife misled her husband on the first day of marriage, what kind of future could they expect? Many counselors might even recommend divorce to avoid further complications.
But Adam did not take that path. Not only did he remain with Chavah, they stayed married for hundreds of years.
What guided his decision? Immediately after the episode, the Torah says: “V’ha’Adam yada et Chavah ishto, And the man knew his wife Chavah” – and she conceived and bore Kayin. Some commentaries explain that the word yada is past-perfect, referring to events before the sin. But in its plain sense, the verse follows the sequence of events.
The word yada also means “understood.” Adam had always known his wife, but now he gained new insight. After their expulsion from Eden, Adam did not lash out, blame, or abandon Chavah. Instead, Adam knew – he understood – his wife. He recognized that she was human and capable of error. Thanks to this understanding, he remained her partner. Together, they raised children and began developing the world for humanity.
This is a profound lesson. Many relationships collapse because of a lack of yada – the refusal to recognize that one’s spouse is human. Yet the essential ingredient in any enduring bond is yada – understanding.
The Gemara puts it beautifully: “He who has understanding has everything within him, and he who lacks it, what does he have? He who acquires it, what does he lack, and he who has not acquired it, what has he acquired?” (Nedarim 41a).
When a couple builds a home, the Torah requires a mezuzah on the entrance. The mezuzah is placed on a slant, to satisfy opinions that it should be either vertical or horizontal (Yoreh Dei’ah 289:6). Perhaps there is a homiletical message here. For a home to be blessed and endure, each person must be willing to bend. Bending means compromise and understanding. If both partners insist on standing upright – seeing only their own perspective – the home will not last. But if they bend toward each other, the home will be strong and enduring.
At weddings, guests often receive souvenirs. The most meaningful souvenir we can take from Adam and Chavah’s first day of marriage is this: their relationship endured thanks to yada – understanding. If we and our children apply this lesson, our homes and relationships will be blessed with joy and longevity.
Rabbi Alon Friedman is a Rabbi of the Yeshiva Mizrachi Community in Johannesburg, South Africa.